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English JokesThe Fabulous Babe
The Pope
The Fly
Clinton
Oh Mother
Three Women
MABLE
Mable answered,"Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?" For all of us who have read one too many self-help books: ;->
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. 5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. 6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others. 7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment. 8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. 9. Joan of Arc heard voices too. 10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. 11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain. 12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. 13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. 14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. 15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. 16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. 17. I am at one with my duality. 18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. 19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. 20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday. 21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. 22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!" 23. False hope is better than no hope at all. 24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution. 25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. 26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone. 27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? 28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. 29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. 30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents. 31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. 32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. 33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. SADDAM HUSSEIN/2: It is the Mother of all Chickens. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HYPOCRITES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two- day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-media processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing? DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally elected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. PAT BUCHANNAN: The chicken crossed the road to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. DR. SUESS: >> > >> > Did the chicken cross the road? >> > Did he cross it with a toad? >> > Yes! The chicken crossed the road, >> > but why it crossed it, I've not been told! THE POPE: That is only for God to know. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? 101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
25 good reason why beer is better than women.
2. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. 3. Beer stains wash out. 4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play baseball. 5. When your beer goes flat you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 8. Hangovers go away. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer. 14. If you pour a beer right you always get a good head. 16. A beer always goes down easy. 17. You can share a beer with friends. 18. You know your always the first one to pop a beer. 19. Beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. You can have a beer in public. 22. A beer doesn't care when you come home. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer to make it taste good. 25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony. Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early
Zachary
A woman, Ms Chen, was very despondent over not having sex in a long time. She became agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided it was time to visit a doctor. Looking through the yellow pages, she came upon a Chinese doctor and sex therapist, Dr. Chaing. She called and made an appointment. Upon arrival, she told the doctor of her symptoms. Dr. Chaing said "Take off you crowes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." She undressed and crawled rapidly to the other side of the room."Now, you crawl real fass back to me", the doctor said. She did. Dr. Chaing shook his head slowly and said, "You haf real bad case of Zachary Disease.... worst case I efer see! That why you have sex problem." The woman was completely confused, and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was. The doctor replied, "Zachary Disease ... that when you face look Zachary like your ass." Bump
Arab
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached. The chicken and the egg
US NAVAL
Canadians : Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans : This is the Captain of a US navy ship and I say again divert your course. Canadians : No. I say again you divert your course. Americans : This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, 2nd largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by 3 destroyers, 3 cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND you change your course 15 degrees North that is one five degrees North or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians : This is a lighthouse. Your call. Johnny Jokes
even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY II A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY III Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?" ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY IV A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.. Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin'' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger." ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY V Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY VI Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you? "To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY VII Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.. "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.. "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock." Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So Little Johnny handed the test tube over.. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car.. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother." ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY VIII A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- LITTLE JOHNNY IX Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up." Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks.. "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up." Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!" ------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE JOHNNY X Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother. "What's daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along." A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing." "What's your boyfriend doing?" "He's my partner, now get out of here!" Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why I'm dancing.." said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner." ------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE JOHNNY XI Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five bird sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking.." ------------------------------------------------------------------ LITTLE JOHNNY XII One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking.. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking! Ducky
Jesus
THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He took wine with every meal. 3. He worked in the building trade. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He had no permanent address. 3. Nobody would hire him. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His mother did not know who his real father was. 2. He was always in trouble with the law. 3. His first name was Jesus. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS FROM CALIFORNIA: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God. Marriage
Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal,especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full." |
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